Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Man's Vacation Rules

You might be wondering where The Man has been, what without any new posts in the last 5 days. As you know, men aren't the best communicators. And The Man is no exception.

The Man has been compiling his vacation rules and taking a brief vacation from blogging to come up with his very own guide to vacationing. You don't have to be rich to take a vacation, it could just be an afternoon or three in the backyard suckin' down a few cold ones. Here's The Man's guide to enjoying your Summer vacations:

Rule #1: The Man's in charge

The Man works hard just like you do, which is why when The Man's on vacation he wants things his way. Wake up at noon? Sure. Crack a cold one and play 9 holes? Why not! It's The Man's vacation, remember?

Rule #2: Plenty of beer

On the Fifth Day, God created beer and said "Thou shalt drinketh until ye puketh". Who's The Man to argue? Make sure wherever you go that there's a liquor store, cooler with ice, keg or hospital nearby. Oh, and avoid red beers, as they have a tendency to make your skin burn faster*.

*There is no scientific evidence that red beer makes your skin red.

Rule #3: Cigars

Always have a box of good cigars around. The Man won't stand for El Productos or any of the other dead rats rolled in leaves they sell at the convenience store. Get yourself a manly maduro wrapped cigar and store it in your humidor until it's time to kick back and relax. What better way to end a meal, play a round of golf, sit on the beach or cruise around town than with a stoagie?

Rule #4: The more skin, the better

The Man is known for his manly physique - hairy chest (and back), gut, big guns, gold chain and pale feet... And like they said, if you've got it, flaunt it. The Man takes his shirt off every chance he gets. And since The Man sweats when it's above 50 degrees, he's topless for more than 1/2 the year. Hey -- It's hard work eating 2 slabs of ribs while drinking a 40oz mug of brew! And the ladies respect it.

Rule #5: Ladies

The Man knows that any great vacation always has a "happy ending". So he's always the life of the party, 'cause he knows the ladies love a Man that knows how to have fun. The Man's not opposed to taking vacations with the ladies, either, but they have to respect Rule #1.

Well, there you have it - for $10 (beer, cigar) you can have your own Man vacation any time, any where you want. Unless of course you live in Antarctica. And if that's the case, the rules still apply -- just replace Ladies with "penguins".

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