Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Man's Vacation Rules

You might be wondering where The Man has been, what without any new posts in the last 5 days. As you know, men aren't the best communicators. And The Man is no exception.

The Man has been compiling his vacation rules and taking a brief vacation from blogging to come up with his very own guide to vacationing. You don't have to be rich to take a vacation, it could just be an afternoon or three in the backyard suckin' down a few cold ones. Here's The Man's guide to enjoying your Summer vacations:

Rule #1: The Man's in charge

The Man works hard just like you do, which is why when The Man's on vacation he wants things his way. Wake up at noon? Sure. Crack a cold one and play 9 holes? Why not! It's The Man's vacation, remember?

Rule #2: Plenty of beer

On the Fifth Day, God created beer and said "Thou shalt drinketh until ye puketh". Who's The Man to argue? Make sure wherever you go that there's a liquor store, cooler with ice, keg or hospital nearby. Oh, and avoid red beers, as they have a tendency to make your skin burn faster*.

*There is no scientific evidence that red beer makes your skin red.

Rule #3: Cigars

Always have a box of good cigars around. The Man won't stand for El Productos or any of the other dead rats rolled in leaves they sell at the convenience store. Get yourself a manly maduro wrapped cigar and store it in your humidor until it's time to kick back and relax. What better way to end a meal, play a round of golf, sit on the beach or cruise around town than with a stoagie?

Rule #4: The more skin, the better

The Man is known for his manly physique - hairy chest (and back), gut, big guns, gold chain and pale feet... And like they said, if you've got it, flaunt it. The Man takes his shirt off every chance he gets. And since The Man sweats when it's above 50 degrees, he's topless for more than 1/2 the year. Hey -- It's hard work eating 2 slabs of ribs while drinking a 40oz mug of brew! And the ladies respect it.

Rule #5: Ladies

The Man knows that any great vacation always has a "happy ending". So he's always the life of the party, 'cause he knows the ladies love a Man that knows how to have fun. The Man's not opposed to taking vacations with the ladies, either, but they have to respect Rule #1.

Well, there you have it - for $10 (beer, cigar) you can have your own Man vacation any time, any where you want. Unless of course you live in Antarctica. And if that's the case, the rules still apply -- just replace Ladies with "penguins".

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Thursday, June 23, 2005

NBA Game 7: The Man's Pick

The Man has seen a lot of basketball in his day. He's played it, he's bet it, he's watched it, he's picked it. Tonight's Game 7 has the potential to be one of the greatest games the NBA and its fans have seen in a long, long time.

The Big Fundamental versus Big Ben is the key to the game. Duncan's free throw shooting has been horrid in the fourth quarter, and The Man can only chalk it up to fatigue. As The Man predicted in Game 6, Duncan's poor free throw shooting kept the game close. Look for that poor shooting to continue.

The Champs have to be having flashbacks from last year -- a last second shot in Game 5 blew their unheard of 4 game sweep/comeback after being down 2 games. The Man is positive that the Pistons mentality is that this thing should be over, so look for them to come out the same way they did in Game 6 -- with a chip on their shoulder.

The line opened at 4.5 points and was up to 5, so going with that The Man is buying 2 points and taking the Pistons and the points. If they don't pull out the victory, The Man's prediction that this game will come down to the wire.

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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Man's Food Pyramid

The Man has been getting questions on a healthy diet. In particular, people want to know what The Man eats to stay so fit. Here's yesterday's menu:

Breakfast: The Man starts most days with a large glass of water (see: Hangovers post), sometimes several. Like most men, I drink my coffee black, and today The Man had 2 mugs o' joe. Finally, a hearty bowl of oatmeal to cleanse the colon.

Lunch: The Man has a weakness for Chinese food. Today's order -- General Tsao's chicken w/ rice, which helps focus the mind (or cause a MSG headache, whichever comes first).

Dinner: After a long day it's rewarding to hit the grill and show off The Man's natural ability taming the flames. Tonight The Man had 3 brats to fulfill The Man's daily meat intake.

Evening: Of course no day is complete without your RDA of alcohol. Watching the NBA Finals, The Man drank 4 Red Stripe and 2 Miller Lite beers... and saw his pick (Pistons and the points) hold true.

To summarize, it's 12 parts carbohydrates, 0 vegetables, 0 fruits, 3 parts meat/poultry.

Tags: Beer, General Tsao, NBA, Sports, MSG, Diet

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Game! The Game!

That was Rasheed Wallace's quote from last year's playoffs that is aired constantly on WDFN in Detroit. Well, it's time for 'Sheed to step up and get his head in The Game tonight if the Pistons are going to force a game 7.

The line currently has Detroit getting 5.5 points. Detroit is 1-4 against the spread on the road in their last 5, including 2 blowout losses in San Antonio. Their one road win was their clutch Game 7 road victory against Miami in the Eastern Conference finals... so they've proven they can pull out a victory when it counts.

The Spurs only lost 5 games at the Alamodome this year, so it's almost unthinkable that they're lose both games at home (provided the Pistons win tonight). I expect San Antonio to go to the line considerably more than the 'Stones, and if it's Tim Duncan shooting then we should see a close game.

That being said, I don't think the Pistons are ready to call it quits and the Spurs had to play a near perfect game to beat them in overtime (where the Pistons derailed themselves with bad shots and turnovers) with absolutely no bench support for Detroit. Unless San Antonio utterly dominates the defending champs, I expect this game to be tight. The under is 8-1-1 in Detroit's last 10 on the road, and 12-4 in San Antonio's last 16 at home. So The Man likes the under at 173.5, however the overtime in Game 4 blew it, and I wouldn't be surprised to see this one go into an extra session.

All that being said, I still don't buy the Spurs toughness and can't pick against the Champs to get blown out again on the road. The Man is buying 2.5 points and taking Detroit +8.

Tags: , Sports, Gambling

Monday, June 20, 2005

The Man's Guide to Parking Tickets

We've all been there. You park at a parking meter with the intention of coming back before the time runs out. Or better yet, the city has some crazy alternate side of the street parking rule where you can park for 2 hours on the "wrong" side of the street before getting hit with a ticket by The Man (not this Man, but "The" Man).

A disclaimer from The Man: This does NOT apply to handicap parking. People that park in handicap spots that aren't handicap should be shot. There, now you have an excuse to park in that spot.

A solution to the aforementioned ridiculous waste of effort and money is for cities to provide more free parking or more parking lots. You see, if they did they wouldn't have to hire meter maids to drive around all day trying to nail honest folks like The Man and this whole system wouldn't even exist.

While The Man can't condone not paying your parking tickets, here's a fact about them:

Most cities allow 6 or more unpaid parking tickets before suspending your license.

That means you can get 5, change your plate on your car, repeat as necessary. City databases aren't smart enough to link you by name, only by plate number. Some cities purge tickets as well, so after 10 years your unpaid tickets are removed from the system.

You do the math:

Cost of obtaining a new plate: $100.

Average cost of 5 parking tickets: $200.


Sunday, June 19, 2005

Father's Day, aka Man Day

As we men know, every day is Man's day. Today is an extra-special Man's day, a day for all of us to spend the day with our Dads, the ultimate Man. Our Dads taught us how to be real men; from the essence of drinking beer, to perfecting our barbequeing talent, to chasing tail, to teaching us when it's appropriate to scream at your favorite sports team or flip off the referee.

The Man wants to say Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there, including The Old Man. Here's to you, Dads.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Pistons vs. Spurs, Game 4: The Man's Pick

So far every game of this series has been a blowout. The teams are clearly evenly matched and it has come down to the aggressor wins. Easily. That being said, The Man expects a close game tonight. Looking at the trends, Detroit is 8-2 against the spread in their last 10 home games. Just to be safe, The Man will be buying 2.5 points on the current -3.5 spread with the Pistons eeking out a victory close victory.

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The Man's Guide to Hangovers

The Man has been known to engage in a few libations from time to time and rarely encounters the pain and discomfort of a hangover. Here are my tips and myth busters about overcoming hangovers.


Provided you're not a model, you'll probably have something in your gut before you start drinking. The Man recommends pizza or something that has bread in it. If you're the type of dummy that likes to mix beer and liquor, then eat something that won't burn coming back up.

The real secret can be summed up in one word: B-Complex. Well, make that two with a hyphen. And then make sure you're taking one that has Vitamin C in it as well. The Man is no scientist, but he's read enough (and is living proof) to know that taking a load of B vitamins prior to getting his drink on works. When you drink, your body loses thiamine and a good B vitamin will replace it.


Drink tons of water prior to going to bed. Chances are that at some point you've "broken the seal" and pissed about 20 times in 20 minutes and are dehydrated.

Next morning:

If you are such a lush that you can't make room in your throat for the vitamins because there's too much beer in there, try starting the morning off with a huge glass of water and some aspirin. You're probably dehydrated. Consider getting some more sleep as well. The Man knows first hand that drunk sleep isn't the same as regular sleep.

When it comes to the celebratory meal, nothing beats hash browns, eggs and some kind of meat -- the greasier and saltier, the better. The Man prefers the local greasy spoon special, $2.99 for two eggs, hash browns, toast and sausage.

If that's not enough, pick up some Gatorade and slam it like you just ran a marathon. Chances are you're as depleted as a distance runner, so you'll want to replenish the lost nutrients and water that you literally pissed away the night before.

Now of course your woman might give you a line or two about quitting drink all together to avoid a hangover, but The Man says brilliance works in its own way. I'm sure people told Jimi Hendrix to quit doing speedballs and heroin too.

Just remember the great W. C. Fields quote: "It's easy to give up drinking; I've done it a thousand times."

Tags: , B Vitamins

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Oh, Cousin!

After watching games 1 and 2 of the NBA finals, there's no way The Man or anyone else could have predicted the stellar defensive performance put on by Big Ben and the Pistons last night. The line opened at 3.5 and went to 4.5 last I checked, and could have gone up to 16 without making a difference.

The Man's observations of last night's game:

Detroit finally played to their strengths using their length (blocked shots, deflections, etc), committing hard fouls (about time, The Man is tired of watching hand checks sidelining good players), and double teams to force the ball to a second and third option, which led to a ton of turnovers for San Antonio.

San Antonio clearly was on fire at home and their outside shooting last night paled in comparison. When Manu went out in the first few minutes of the game, The Man knew his prediction was in trouble. Who could've known that a knee to knee collision with Tayshaun Prince would happen? That injury put Ginobli (who looks like Balki from "Perfect Strangers") into a passive state of mind from which he never recovered.

Look for the Spurs to come out swinging in Game 4.

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Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The worst beer in the world

You might be like The Man, walking down the beer aisle at your local grocery store and thinking about maximizing your beer intake while keeping your budget in check. We've all had those days, where the 30 pack of Stroh's for $11.99 outweighs the $12.99 12 pack of Sam Adams. I had an experience recently that's making me re-think this logic.

It was to The Man's surprise when I was scrounging for a few brews one night with less than $7 in my pocket and spotted this deal: Josef Hoffbauer Light at Kroger, $4.99 for 12 beers. The old saying in life is that there's no such thing as a free lunch. And The Man is here to tell you that there's no such thing as good beer for $4.99 for 12 pack.

The beer itself tastes like one part Caguama Light (Corona rip off brand), six parts Detroit River water. The can might as well just be all-white and say "BEER" across it, because it's probably best that this crap is used as a prop in movies and not ingested.

The Man's advice? Take your $5 and pick up a couple of .40 ouncers instead, you'll thank me later.

So The Man would like to issue the following statement on Josef Hoffbauer beer:

Don't buy it. Worse yet, don't drink it -- even if it's free.

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Pistons and Spurs - The Man's pick

Unlike my man, John Patrick, I'm going to be pretty straightforward with this pick. Tonight's match up between the Pistons and Spurs should be a classic. The Pistons have been good on their home floor, going 2-1 against both the Heat and Pacers at home in rounds 2 and 3. Unlike those series, they weren't able to get one victory in their first two road games in San Antonio.

A stat worth noting from Pistons Coach Larry Brown's press conference: When the Pistons have a certain official at the game, they're 1-7 in the playoffs. When he's not part of the refereeing squad, they're 11-1. Pretty amazing.

At any rate, the line's currently at -4 in favor of the 'stones... If they are able to pull out a game, this is going to be the one. The Spurs played at Detroit earlier this year and lost, however that was without Duncan (left the game early with a sprained ankle), and Ginobli played sparingly. My gut tells me that even coming home isn't going to help, as evidenced by the Spurs ability to play well on the road and the blow outs in Games 1 and 2. The Man is taking the Spurs and buying 2 points.

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Welcome to The Man Blog

A man has certain experiences, his own point of view and a straight forward way to solving problems. This blog is evidence of it. I'm going to be talking about the stuff that we care about -- beer, gambling, women, beer, grass cutting, sports, ball-scratchin', beer, ESPN and more.

My goal is to help fill the void in all of our lives that The Man Show used to occupy. Let me know how I'm doing.

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