Monday, August 01, 2005

The Man's Guide to Back Injuries

As you may've noticed, the Man has been absent from blogging for a month... A bulged disc will do that to you. The Man, like most men, has chronic back problems and had to rest from the computer to let that bad boy heal up. Some tips from The Man to dealing with and recovering from back injuries, Man style:

1. Drugs

The Man doesn't advocate taking prescription drugs unless they're completely necessary. If you read the labels closely, they don't actually heal the problem and cause unnecessary damage to your liver and kidneys. If you're going to do that, you might as well enjoy a buzz while you're at it. So The Man prescribes his medication in the form of 12 ounce curls. Take 2 every half hour until the pain is gone. Sure, you're destroying your liver, but if you follow The Man's guide to hangovers a little B complex will help minimize the amount of liver damage... Plus it's a lot more fun!

2. Exercise

Some white coats will recommend that you relax and "take it easy" while you're in pain, the slowly work your back into shape. The Man says that's a load of crap and you should avoid exercising all together -- how did you hurt your back in the first place??? Exercise!!!

3. Insurance

The Man thinks insurance is probably the biggest scam on the face of the earth. So if you're going to pay into it, you might as well milk it for all you can. Get a note from your doctor and play hookee from work for a few extra days. Go fishing. Catch a ball game. Try to set a world record for most beer consumed in 12 hours. Just don't get caught!

4. Sex

It's unrealistic to think that a man isn't going to want sex, even if his back hurts. Hell, The Man's wanted it after getting kicked in the groin, so a little back pain surely won't deter him. So here's The Man's advice: Insist on being on bottom, and tilt your hips slightly to show some signs of movement (you're also working your abs and lower back, so it's a win-win-win!). Note: A real man lets her do all the work anyway!

5. Getting back to work

When The Man gets back to work, he tries to get as much out of his time off from the cube as possible. Don't be afraid to make others do what you don't want to do -- remember, you're recovering!

And when telling co-workers how you injured your back, take a cue from The Man and be manly about it! Feel free to use one of these scenarios:

"I was power lifting 450 pounds and I heard this 'SNAP!'. The entire gym turned to look at me and I felt my legs go numb. I finished my set before dropping the weight and calling an ambulance."

"I went on one of those porn star cruises, and while having a three way with Kobe Tai and Jenna Jameson in the hot tub of the poop deck, I heard someone screaming for help. Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy fell overboard and was drowning, so I jumped in to save him. I grabbed the Hedgehog and swam him to safety, only after fighting my way out of a shark's jaws."

"My neighbor was changing the oil on his car and I heard a crash, so I put down my High Life and ran outside, only to see him covered by his '82 Olds Ninety Eight. I grabbed the bumper, lifted the car up and slid him out with my foot. That's when I pulled a muscle in my back."

Tecnhorati tags: , , , , ,

No comments: