Monday, October 03, 2005

The Man's Guide to Poker

Over the last few years, The Man has been watching one of his favorite games, poker, explode onto the national scene. For some reason, it's even being covered on ESPN as if it's a sport. Agree or disagree, The Man is offering his Guide to Poker:

1. The poker face

Three words: No big deal. Much like a porno, bad acting will giveaway your hand and everyone will know you're faking it. Think about other scenarios in life where you've had to act like it's "no big deal"... walking down the street with your Woman and trying to catch a peek at a nice rack heading your way... early morning work outings where you're hungover... late night partying and you're wasted... they all have one thing in common that give you away every time -- your eyes. The Man recommends wearing dark shades to conceal your eyes from become the size of frying pans when that lucky hand comes up.

2. Betting

The Man loves to risk it all and go all in, but even he knows that it's stupid when you have the wrong hand. The Man always reads the table to see how others play -- if no one's bluffing, then chances are they're afraid or just don't have the cards... which means it's up to The Man to take charge. You can command the table and putting others in their place by betting aggressive when you have a good hand... Notice The Man didn't say GREAT, because any sucker can recognize when another player has a great hand.

Also, don't give yourself away. Much like the cheetah, you have to lay low before you attack. Making a huge opening bet is a sure sign that you've got a great hand.

3. Attire

The Man usually doesn't change out of his mustard-stained wife beater and sweats too often, however when playing poker it's important to wear clothes that look like you mean business. First hint - no logos. Wearing a brand name that isn't a sponsor will give away that you care about brands, which is a sign of weakness. Second hint - choose the right color. The Man likes the all-black look - it's intimidating, plus it hides your beer gut awfully well. Third hint - make sure you're wearing comfortable clothes. It's hard to keep a straight face when you have to keep picking your undies out of your crack every 2 minutes.

4. Learn the damn game

The Man has seen it countless times: Guy watches World Series of Poker, goes to the local casino (shows how times have changed, they're as common as 7-Eleven), enters a poker tournament and gets cleaned out. Read a book and practice before you start pissing your money away. The Man likes to practice on unsuspecting neighbors, friends and family. Once you've taken all of their money, use it to enter the casino poker tournament -- that way if you lose it's not your money!

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