The Man's Guide to Coaching

The Man has been busy, even by his standards, coaching kids basketball and soccer leagues. I've learned several things over the course of the past few months and want to share that knowledge with you.

Rule #1: You can't smoke and coach at the same time.

No, The Man isn't talking about puffing a stoagie while instructing. I'm talking about having a half a pack the night before you have to run up and down the field yelling at the little squirts... although The Man did cough up a naked lady lighter he thought he'd lost.

Rule #2: Bring snacks.

The Man hasn't played organized kids sports in a long time, however when he did play we were lucky enough to get orange slices at halftime. That has evolved into water throughout the game and a designated "snack person" at each game. The Man has never heard of such a thing, and it goes a long way to explain why today's kids have a Buddha belly like The Man -- STOP EATING SUGAR RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE EXERCISED!

Rule #3: Ignore the parents.

Let's be honest. Most parents are pretty decent. It's the few assholes that ruin it for the rest of us. Your parents job is to cheer for you and that's it, not to scream at the officials or coach like an idiot every time something goes wrong for your little pumpkin. He's 14 in a rec league -- he'll get over that no-call shooting foul.

Rule #4: Be prepared to play secretary.

"Did Billy get the message that our practice was cancelled?"

"I'm calling again to make sure Johnny remembers his home jersey."

"GOD FORBID, PLEASE DO NOT FORGET THE GOD DAMN SNACKS."

The Man's advice is to bump up the minutes on your cell phone, 'cause you're gonna need 'em. Work? You can't work. Otherwise you won't be able to return a phone call from a parent at a moment's notice.

Rule #5: Try to have fun

At the end of the day, these kids want to play. 1st graders, 8th graders, it doesn't matter. Just show them the fundamentals, let them play and have fun. You'll have more fun too.

The Man's Lock of the Night

The Man is back (again) with his NBA lock of the night. The New York Knicks are a disgrace of a team that just picked up Steve Francis from the Magic. No one knows what Isaiah is thinking with Marbury and Francis in the backcourt, but look for the Knicks to change their name to the New York Most Selfish Roster of All Times.

New Jersey, on the other hand, is on a roll, winning their last 3 games. This game opened at NJ -4.5 and is already up to -5.5. The Man is buying 2.5 points to bring it down to NJ - 3. Look for Vincanity to reign in the Garden tonight!

Super Theft

The Super Bowl is supposed to be the 2 best teams in the league, 11 on 11, gutting it out for the [arguably] greatest trophy in all of sports. Unfortunately for the Seahawks, the game wasn't 11 on 11... in fact, it was more like 12 on 11. Or 13, or 14, how however many bad officiating calls were made (and endorsed via instant replay) throughout the game.

From the phantom holding call that took Seattle out of a 1st and goal, to the weak push-off interference call on D. Jack, to the foot kicking the pylon doesn't count TD, the Seahawks got jobbed.

So the Man went 0-2 on his Superbowl picks. The Man accepts this but under protest. Had the phantom push off, didn't kick the pylon TD and phantom holding calls not happened, Seattle would have had at LEAST 17 points, which would have put them in the lead at 27-21, thereby beating the over and covering the spread.

They say the best way to forget about pain is to keep on keepin' on. The Man will get over this with some NBA & NCAA picks this week, stay tuned.

The Man's Pick

Super Sunday, a day where all Men will stuff themselves with cheese puffs, drink until they puke, watch the year's best TV commercials, gamble amongst friends, and, oh yeah -- there's that game.

The Man is going to keep this short and sweet - Pittsburgh is giving 4 points to a Seattle team that can score and has been on an incredible run - 9 up and 1 down in their last 10. And if you've watched Pittsburgh, aka Blitzburgh, their only weakness is against the pass -- which Seattle can do. QB Matt Hasselbeck threw for over 3800 yards this year AND had the league's rushing leader in Shaun Alexander. So even if the score gets out of hand, Seattle has the offense to come back via their air attack.

Pittsburgh, on the other hand, has the advantage of this being as close to a home game as you can get. By the looks of it, the stands at Ford Field will be covered in black and yellow this week. Side note -- The Man doesn't get the "Terrible Towel". It's a towel, and unless it's been the back seat of your car for awhile or under the toilet, it's probably not all that terrible. But The Man digresses...

The Man likes Seattle to stay in this game, so he's buying 3 points to give them a full touchdown. The over for this game is at 47. Looking at the last few Superbowls, the over should be a lock. But because the Man doesn't like to go out into the snow without his hat on, he's buying a few points to bring it down to 44.

Let's recap - Seattle stays in the game with their offense (+7) and expect the game to be over 44 points.

The Man will be back with NCAA and NBA picks this week!

The Big Game pick by The Man

The Man's been teetering on .500 over the bowl season and wants to give you a gift in 2006 with his pick for tonight's National Championship game. But before giving you The Man's rock-solid, lock of the year pick, The Man wants to look at tonight's team mascots.

Southern Cal's mascot is the Trojan. Admittedly, when The Man was growing up, his parents went to California and the only thing he wanted was a Trojans sweatshirt. The Man's parents came back with a "USC" sweatshirt - not the same thing.

The Man also used to own a few Longhorns hats, having to explain to females the sexual connotation. The ultimate battle of the sexes matchup would be the Oregon State Beavers against the Longhorns, but The Man will have to settle for Trojans and Longhorns. Tonight's matchup literally will come down to whether or not the Trojans will be able to keep the wraps on the Longhorn star, Vince Young, and if the Longhorns will be able to penetrate into the backfield and take care of Bush.

OK, enough with the sex talk - here's the skinny: each team features a potent offense - Texas is 10-1 against the over this year, USC is 7-5. Look for each team to score tonight - a lot. The Man expects the final score to be in the range of 45-42, which means you should take the Longhorns getting 7.5 and the over. Because The Man likes to play it safe (no pun intended), he's buying points each way to bring the spread up to Texas +10 and the over down to 66. Lock of the year!

Happy New Year from The Man

Here are The Man's New Year's Day (late) picks:

Florida vs. Iowa
Not a lot stands out when The Man looks at the stats for these teams - on paper they're comparable. The Big Ten hasn't posted a bowl victory yet, and the SEC is a stronger conference overall... couple Urban Meyer's spread offense with Iowa wins against bad teams like Illinois, Northern Iowa, Indiana and Purdue, and a season finale loss to Iowa State means the Hawkeyes are goin' down. Take Florida getting a point.

Alabama vs. Texas Tech
Too much offense versus a horrid offense means Texas Tech should cover the 3 point spread. Take Tech -3.

Virginia Tech vs. Louisville
VA Tech was considered a national title contender at one time. And Louisville's without their starting QB Brohm. Look for Marcus Vick to have a big game running and passing. The man's buying 2.5 points to bring it down to VA Tech -7.

Wisconsin vs. Auburn
Auburn's running game is going to send Barry Alvarez out a loser. The Man read that the Badgers D is giving up over 400 yards a game, and the Auburn O line is monstrous. Buy a couple of points to bring it under 10, take Auburn -7.

Notre Dame vs. Ohio State
The Hawk and the impressive Buckeye defense will be the key to this game. I don't like giving ex-NFL coach Charlie Weiss 5 points, though -- this team almost beat USC. The Man is buying 2 and betting that ND will keep it within a TD.

Georgia vs. West Virginia
The beneficiaries of Hurricane Katrina, Georgia's playing what amounts to a home game at the Georgia Dome. Look for the Dawgs to cover the spread at -6.5.

The Man's picks for tonight

The Man has 2 strong picks for tonight's bowl games.

Michigan is giving 10 points to a Nebraska team whose wins came against teams with a combined 33-35 record (go ahead, look it up - The Man knows how to work the calculator!), and when Nebraska can't stop the run they lose. Look for the Michigan backfield to get a lot of carries and cover the spread. But just to be safe, The Man is buying 3 points to bring it down to Michigan -7.

And, in Dan Hawkins last game as the Boise State coach, his blue turfed Broncs are getting 3 points at home against the 16th ranked Boston College Eagles. A little about Coach Hawkins - he lost his first home game at Boise State in 2001 and hasn't lost one since. That's impressive. Boise was exposed earlier in the season by big offensive lines... in essence, they can't stop a team that has one -- and BC has the largest that Boise will face. Boise State's Jared Zabransky has been average (17 TDs, 14 INTs) this season, so home game or not expect BC to get a few picks. Look for the Boise home streak to end, especially since The Man is buying 2 points and taking BC -1.

The Man doesn't need to gloat

But what the hell. An impressive 4-1 week 1 of bowl games (that would have been 5-0 had Toledo not yanked their QB) gives The Man every right. That's right - just like Chad Johnson of the Cincinnati Bengals, The Man needs to do a dance. Not one of those unmanly Justin Timberlake or Usher dances, a man's dance.... like the Superbowl Shuffle.

If you missed The Man's stellar week of picks, stay tuned - there are more to come tomorrow!

Holiday Q&A with The Man

The Man has been getting a lot of questions recently from guys wanting to know more about The Man, proper holiday etiquette, rules for work parties and more. So here goes Round 1 of The Man's Mail bag.

Dear The Man,

My girlfriend has been hinting that she wants jewelry this Christmas, but I only make a meager salary and in order to buy the jewelery will have to stop buying beer for awhile. What would The Man do?"

Signed,
Beer or Boobs

Hey BoB,
The Man sympathizes with you. I mean, what's a Man gotta do to deserve a cold one from time to time? Here's the solution - you sound like a Man's man. My guess is that you have a lot of empties lying around the apartment -- so instead of crushing them on your forehead or building that holiday beer pyramid, try returning your cans & bottles. I'm sure there'll be enough dough left over to spring for that heart shaped pendant The Man's been seing on TV.

Hey Man,
My parents think I should dress up for our family holiday gathering, when all I want to wear is a pair of jeans and my Urlacher Chicago Bears jersey. Who's right?

Sincerely,
Chicago Joe

Hi Joe,
First off, show some resepct -- it's The Man! It's difficult to give solid answer on your question -- is the jersey the home blue, away white or orange third jersey? Either way, it's probably a good idea to not bite the hand that feeds you. How about this -- let's compromise and score some points in the process. You can wear the jeans as long as you wear that ugly sweater Mom gave you last year for Christmas. You know, the one with the tags still on it in the back of your closet. Just to show your pride, layer that sweater with a Bears t-shirt underneath.

Dear Man,
There's this hot co-worker of mine that I think, if given a few drinks, I could nail at the company Christmas party tonight. I've read a lot of articles about sleeping with co-workers, and most say it's a bad idea. But what does The Man think?

Horny in Houston

Hey Horny (The Man doubts that's your real name, by the way),
Don't sweat it -- there's no such thing as guilt-free office romance, so just have a few drinks and see what happens. If you're any kind of Man you'll get some from her or the girl in the cube next to you. Just don't get in her pants infront of the rest of the office -- that way it's your word against hers!

That's all for now, have a great Holiday!

Oh, and had Toledo not yanked their starting QB with 4 minutes to go he'd be 3-0 in his bowl predictions!

A Special Time of the Year for The Man

Every year millions of Americans celebrate a national past time that transcends generations, religions and race. What's that you say? Christmas? Hell no! The Man is talking about Bowl Season!

Sure, the Man gets bamboozled into buying gifts for the family. But The Man also knows he needs to satisfy his needs. During the holidays, don't forget to take a few minutes and ask the question -- what about me? What does the Man get for his hard work every year? Football for three weeks.

Last night's warm up game between Southern Miss and Arkansas State (they have a football team?) doesn't count. Well, it might count, but it's not in The Man's Bowl Pool. Here's the rundown of this weekend's upcoming bowl schedule (The Man's picks are bold. Enjoy!

December 21
UTEP vs. Toledo (-3)
The over/under for this game opened at 61 and is down to 60.5. Both offenses average over 438 yards per game, and their average combined points for and against are only around 56 points total; a few games against defensive oriented teams have brought those numbers down. Neither of these teams plays great defense, allowing well over 300 yards per game. Given the propensity to score and be scored on, The Man is taking the OVER.

December 22
BYU vs. Cal (-7.5)
Game has moved 1 full point from -6.5, apparently people like Cal's Pac 10 play versus the Mountain West BYU schedule. While BYU has blown out a few teams (and scored a ton of points), I don't think they have the athletes to hang with Cal, and their inability to stop the run puts them at a huge disadvantage. If they load up in the box, they could keep it close. The Man is buying 2.5 points and taking Cal at -5.

December 22
Navy vs. Colorado State (+3)
This is a no-brainer. Colorado state is barely above a .500 team. Navy runs the ball, Colorado State can't stop the run. Give the FG and take Navy.

December 23
Houston vs. Kansas (-3)
Houston's offense use to impress The Man. Then I checked their schedule. With wins against Rice and Sam Houston State and a loss against SMU, The Man can't side with Houston. And given that Kansas plays (and won against) better competition, I'm siding with the Jayhawks minus three.


December 26
Memphis vs. Akron (+5.5)
Akron surprised in the MAC championship game at Ford Field in Detroit not too long ago. But look for NFL-bound DeAngelo Williams to run wild on the Zips. The Man is buying 3 points to bring it down to under a field goal and taking Memphis -2.5.

More bowl game pics next week from The Man!

The Man Blogs For Charity

OK, normally The Man is self serving, drunk and/or hungover, and arrogant. But today's he writing for a different reason.

A fellow Man is asking for help for a good cause. Mr. Clean is giving a buck to the Hands On Network every time someone submits an idea about how they use Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The Hands On Networks is a growing charity that helps volunteers keep communities clean. You'd better believe they're gonna need a load of Magic Erasers to clean up New Orleans, so get over to their site and post your use right now:

http://www.homemadesimple.com/mrclean/eraser/index.shtml

The Man's Guide to Poker

Over the last few years, The Man has been watching one of his favorite games, poker, explode onto the national scene. For some reason, it's even being covered on ESPN as if it's a sport. Agree or disagree, The Man is offering his Guide to Poker:

1. The poker face

Three words: No big deal. Much like a porno, bad acting will giveaway your hand and everyone will know you're faking it. Think about other scenarios in life where you've had to act like it's "no big deal"... walking down the street with your Woman and trying to catch a peek at a nice rack heading your way... early morning work outings where you're hungover... late night partying and you're wasted... they all have one thing in common that give you away every time -- your eyes. The Man recommends wearing dark shades to conceal your eyes from become the size of frying pans when that lucky hand comes up.

2. Betting

The Man loves to risk it all and go all in, but even he knows that it's stupid when you have the wrong hand. The Man always reads the table to see how others play -- if no one's bluffing, then chances are they're afraid or just don't have the cards... which means it's up to The Man to take charge. You can command the table and putting others in their place by betting aggressive when you have a good hand... Notice The Man didn't say GREAT, because any sucker can recognize when another player has a great hand.

Also, don't give yourself away. Much like the cheetah, you have to lay low before you attack. Making a huge opening bet is a sure sign that you've got a great hand.

3. Attire

The Man usually doesn't change out of his mustard-stained wife beater and sweats too often, however when playing poker it's important to wear clothes that look like you mean business. First hint - no logos. Wearing a brand name that isn't a sponsor will give away that you care about brands, which is a sign of weakness. Second hint - choose the right color. The Man likes the all-black look - it's intimidating, plus it hides your beer gut awfully well. Third hint - make sure you're wearing comfortable clothes. It's hard to keep a straight face when you have to keep picking your undies out of your crack every 2 minutes.

4. Learn the damn game

The Man has seen it countless times: Guy watches World Series of Poker, goes to the local casino (shows how times have changed, they're as common as 7-Eleven), enters a poker tournament and gets cleaned out. Read a book and practice before you start pissing your money away. The Man likes to practice on unsuspecting neighbors, friends and family. Once you've taken all of their money, use it to enter the casino poker tournament -- that way if you lose it's not your money!

Tags: gambling, World Series of Poker, poker

I'm off to Lake Charles, LA

From Yahoo:

The Man's back (again)

No, he wasn't in New Orleans or Texas, just a state of laziness. With football season starting, who can blame him??

Speaking of football, three quick observations:

1. Louisville and Michigan are overrated. Louisville didn't just lose, they got their asses handed to them by USF. And Michigan's losses against Notre Dame at home and Wisconsin on the road coupled with two wins against barely D-I Eastern Michigan and Northern Illinois = weak.

Look for an unprecendented third September loss at rival Michigan State this weekend (OK, technically it'll be October 1st but who's counting, MR CALENDAR...). And Louisville -- welcome to a better conference, you're not winning it.

2. After last weekend's Pittsburgh/New England game, the Pats are stil the Pats.

3. Since when have kickers been so important? Philly's David Akers and Detroit's Jason Hansen are injured and neither team has signed a backup. Don't get The Man wrong, they're both good kickers, but if your team has to go for it on the 35 every time you're doomed. And in the Lions case they're really doomed.

College Football Preview: Pac 10

USC has been the king of college football and dare The Man say established a dynasty. True, it's a weak conference overall, but it apparently hasn't made a different as evidenced by the domination top teams in the National Title game for the past 3 years.

Pete Carroll might have been a mediocre at best NFL coach, but his recruiting and coaching skills are what separate this program from every other in the country. Given their depth, including the return of Matt Leinart at QB and Reggie Bush at RB, their coaching staff losses might be the only thing stopping them from a four-peat.

The Man's Pac-10 Picks:

1. USC - too much talent, not enough competition in-conference

2. Cal - A near score away from upsetting USC last year, look for another 2nd place finish in '05.

3. Arizona State - top running back in jail, early game @ LSU. Play both Oregon and USC at home this year.

4. Oregon - Disappointing year in '04, Coach Bellotti revamped his staff and gets Cal and USC at home.

5. UCLA - Improved team last year, look for that improvement to continue into a bowl appearance this year. Play three of four ranked teams at home.

6. (tie) Oregon State - Beat the teams they were supposed to in '04, lost to good opponents. Look for that trend to continue. Creampuff opener against Portland State, then No. 19 Boise State at home. Plus they finish the season against rival Oregon on the road.

6. (tie) Arizona - Look for Mike Stoopes to continue to turn this program around. Beating ASU at the end of '04 was amazing and their recruiting class was in the top 15. Unfortunately, most freshman aren't impact players so look for a sub-.500 overall finish.

8. Stanford - New coach, new system, old ways - a losing season.

9. Washington State - The end of a great 3 year run was last year. Time to rebuild.

10. Washington - It's going to take more than a new coach and one season to turn this program around.


Tags: NCAA, sports, football, Pac 10, gambling

College Football Preview: Big Ten

If you know anything about college football, it's that the Big Ten appears to be stacked this year and their logo sucks (11 schools, Big Ten, you do the math). Living in Big Ten country, The Man doesn't want to seem homerish by saying a Big Ten school will win the National Title (which they won't). With that much competition, it's going to be hard for any of the top tier Big Ten schools to finish undefeated. Scheduling will play a huge factor that will help determine the rankings.

1. Michigan - Early test against Notre Dame at home, games at Iowa and Ohio State will determine who's #1 in this conference. RB Hart is a stud, defense promises to be more aggressive especially against mobile QBs (Michigan State, Texas, Ohio State QBs ate them up on the ground). Always find a way to at least tie for a Big Ten title.

2. (tie) Iowa - Kirk Ference has done a great job with this programm, legit top 10 team with returning QB (Drew Tate). Question mark comes on offensive line (most sacks allowed in conference) and mental mistakes (penalties, in particular).

2. (tie) Ohio State - stellar defense with a mobile QB could lead to a good season for OSU, early test with Texas and of course final game against Michigan will make or break their season.

4. (tie) Purdue - they get Iowa at home but have to travel to Minnesota. Tiller always has his boys ready to play, however the QB position isn't as solid as last year. Easy schedule might see them move up to a 2nd or 3rd place finish in the conference.

4. (tie) Minnesota - prove you can play with the big boys and you could move up the ladder -- STOP SCHEDULING PATSIES!

6. Michigan State - Mobile QB Drew Nietzel has the ability to win games; he almost upset Michigan last year by himself. Defense a question mark, however The Man can't recall a John L. Smith team that had a good defense. Look for a track meet and bet the over on most MSU games.

7. Penn State - Creampuff non-conference schedule that will have people buzzing about JoePa's Lions. Unfortunately a rude awakening when they enter conference play and have to compete against D-I talent.

8. Wisconsin - last year's bunch overachieved, this year looks like a rebuilding year for Barry in Madtown. Potential for early losses to Bowling Green and UNC.

9. Northwestern - Brutal schedule (five top 18 teams), spread offense could provide for an upset.

10. Illinois - Hasn't been competitive since the 1990s, no turnaround in sight.

11. Indiana - Yet another basketball school waiting for the season to start.

Tags: NCAA, football, Big Ten

College Football Preview: ACC

The Man kicks off his 1st College Football Preview on The Man Blog by shining the spotlight on the now 2 division ACC. True, the ACC is known as a basketball conference, however the addition of Miami automatically raises the bar for the rest of the ACC schools and the conference as a whole. An overall comment on the ACC and the national title race - no ACC team will win the ACC title this year. Sorry, but there's no way

The Man's Atlantic Division final standing predictions

1. Boston College - The Man's sleeper pick to upset FSU for the inaugural Atlantic Division title
2. Florida State - Who's the FSU QB again? A great defense, sure, but no offensive leader.
3. Maryland - A respectible year expected to make up for last year's disappointment.
4. Clemson - Tommy Bowden pulled off a miracle to win against Dad, don't look for more than a .500 conference record this year.
5. NC State - Amato's corny sunglasses, lack of talent, just not happening for NC State.
6. Wake Forest - The bottom of the Atlantic barrel, the Deacons don't have the experience or talent to compete.

ACC Coastal Division predictions
1. Miami - Reloaded, restocked and ready for a run at a national title. Didn't have a lot of draft picks to replace relative to prior years. Question mark at QB could mean a slip into second place in this division.
2. Virginia Tech - Marcus Vick is back, which is good, but he also spent a year off the field - not good. Much like his brother, his ability to put the team on his back and carry them is as far as they will go.
3. Georgia Tech - Good, young QB in Ball who is a difference maker. Not enough firepower to compete with the big 2.
4. Virginia - too many starters missing to compete against the big boys.
5. North Carolina - Being a basketball school hurts this program. Too inconsistent to win in this conference.
6. Duke - Devils fans don't measure the season in wins and losses, only "Saturdays remaining until basketball season".

ACC Championship Game: Miami over BC

Tags: NCAA, ACC

The Man's College Football Preview coming soon!

The Man's NCAA College Football insider will be posted this week, starting Wednesday - stay tuned! We're talking about The Man's look at College Football, conference by conference with conference champion predictions and NCAA champs. Why pay top dollar to get someone else's take when you can get The Man's for free?

Tags: football, NCAA

The Man's Guide to Back Injuries

As you may've noticed, the Man has been absent from blogging for a month... A bulged disc will do that to you. The Man, like most men, has chronic back problems and had to rest from the computer to let that bad boy heal up. Some tips from The Man to dealing with and recovering from back injuries, Man style:

1. Drugs

The Man doesn't advocate taking prescription drugs unless they're completely necessary. If you read the labels closely, they don't actually heal the problem and cause unnecessary damage to your liver and kidneys. If you're going to do that, you might as well enjoy a buzz while you're at it. So The Man prescribes his medication in the form of 12 ounce curls. Take 2 every half hour until the pain is gone. Sure, you're destroying your liver, but if you follow The Man's guide to hangovers a little B complex will help minimize the amount of liver damage... Plus it's a lot more fun!

2. Exercise

Some white coats will recommend that you relax and "take it easy" while you're in pain, the slowly work your back into shape. The Man says that's a load of crap and you should avoid exercising all together -- how did you hurt your back in the first place??? Exercise!!!

3. Insurance

The Man thinks insurance is probably the biggest scam on the face of the earth. So if you're going to pay into it, you might as well milk it for all you can. Get a note from your doctor and play hookee from work for a few extra days. Go fishing. Catch a ball game. Try to set a world record for most beer consumed in 12 hours. Just don't get caught!

4. Sex

It's unrealistic to think that a man isn't going to want sex, even if his back hurts. Hell, The Man's wanted it after getting kicked in the groin, so a little back pain surely won't deter him. So here's The Man's advice: Insist on being on bottom, and tilt your hips slightly to show some signs of movement (you're also working your abs and lower back, so it's a win-win-win!). Note: A real man lets her do all the work anyway!

5. Getting back to work

When The Man gets back to work, he tries to get as much out of his time off from the cube as possible. Don't be afraid to make others do what you don't want to do -- remember, you're recovering!

And when telling co-workers how you injured your back, take a cue from The Man and be manly about it! Feel free to use one of these scenarios:

"I was power lifting 450 pounds and I heard this 'SNAP!'. The entire gym turned to look at me and I felt my legs go numb. I finished my set before dropping the weight and calling an ambulance."

"I went on one of those porn star cruises, and while having a three way with Kobe Tai and Jenna Jameson in the hot tub of the poop deck, I heard someone screaming for help. Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy fell overboard and was drowning, so I jumped in to save him. I grabbed the Hedgehog and swam him to safety, only after fighting my way out of a shark's jaws."

"My neighbor was changing the oil on his car and I heard a crash, so I put down my High Life and ran outside, only to see him covered by his '82 Olds Ninety Eight. I grabbed the bumper, lifted the car up and slid him out with my foot. That's when I pulled a muscle in my back."

Tecnhorati tags: back injury, Ron Jeremy, porn, back pain, medicine, homeopathic remedies

The Man's Vacation Rules

You might be wondering where The Man has been, what without any new posts in the last 5 days. As you know, men aren't the best communicators. And The Man is no exception.

The Man has been compiling his vacation rules and taking a brief vacation from blogging to come up with his very own guide to vacationing. You don't have to be rich to take a vacation, it could just be an afternoon or three in the backyard suckin' down a few cold ones. Here's The Man's guide to enjoying your Summer vacations:

Rule #1: The Man's in charge

The Man works hard just like you do, which is why when The Man's on vacation he wants things his way. Wake up at noon? Sure. Crack a cold one and play 9 holes? Why not! It's The Man's vacation, remember?

Rule #2: Plenty of beer

On the Fifth Day, God created beer and said "Thou shalt drinketh until ye puketh". Who's The Man to argue? Make sure wherever you go that there's a liquor store, cooler with ice, keg or hospital nearby. Oh, and avoid red beers, as they have a tendency to make your skin burn faster*.

*There is no scientific evidence that red beer makes your skin red.

Rule #3: Cigars

Always have a box of good cigars around. The Man won't stand for El Productos or any of the other dead rats rolled in leaves they sell at the convenience store. Get yourself a manly maduro wrapped cigar and store it in your humidor until it's time to kick back and relax. What better way to end a meal, play a round of golf, sit on the beach or cruise around town than with a stoagie?

Rule #4: The more skin, the better

The Man is known for his manly physique - hairy chest (and back), gut, big guns, gold chain and pale feet... And like they said, if you've got it, flaunt it. The Man takes his shirt off every chance he gets. And since The Man sweats when it's above 50 degrees, he's topless for more than 1/2 the year. Hey -- It's hard work eating 2 slabs of ribs while drinking a 40oz mug of brew! And the ladies respect it.

Rule #5: Ladies

The Man knows that any great vacation always has a "happy ending". So he's always the life of the party, 'cause he knows the ladies love a Man that knows how to have fun. The Man's not opposed to taking vacations with the ladies, either, but they have to respect Rule #1.

Well, there you have it - for $10 (beer, cigar) you can have your own Man vacation any time, any where you want. Unless of course you live in Antarctica. And if that's the case, the rules still apply -- just replace Ladies with "penguins".

Tags: beer, vacation, cigars, golf, women, penguins