The Man's college football picks

The lines for this week's NCAA games are out, and The Man is looking to stay perfect on the college season with these picks:

Louisville -9 at Kansas State. They trounced Miami's defense for 31 points... You think K State will fare any better? Lay the 9 points and collect your $$ on Saturday afternoon.

Utah State at BYU -30.5. Utah State is pathetic. BYU lost in 2 OTs to Boston College and can score. To borrom a line from The 40 Year Old Virgin, "You know how I know you suck? Because your only touchdown this season came against a D-IAA school". The Man is buying 3 to bring it down to BYU -27.5.

Central Michigan -3.5 at Eastern Michigan. The Chips hung tough with the BC Eagles in Week 1, while the Eagles struggled to lose to Northwestern. CMU should win by at least a TD, the Man is buying 1 point to get rid of the hook and get it under a field goal at CMU -2.5.

USC -17 at Arizona. Arizona has a great defense, however they can't score. USC can score and made the Nebraska defense look silly. Look for the Trojans to put up big numbers at AU, especially in the second half.

Tagged: NCAA, football, gambling

Heart attack waiting to happen

Yes, I am talking about the Kansas-Toledo game going on right now on ESPN2. But no, I'm not talking about the game itself. The Man is referring to the big men on the sidelines. Toledo's coach, Tom Amstutz and Kansas's coach, Mark Mangino have to weigh in over 6 bills combined. They'd give former WWF tag team the Natural Disasters a run for their money, that's for sure.



Toledo coach Tom Amstutz and Kansas coach Mark Magino

vs.



Natural Disasters, Earthquake and Typhoon

Tagged: college football, Kansas, Toledo, Tom Amstutz, Mark Mangino, WWF, espn2

The Man's NFL Picks

Two games that are sure to hit this weekend are the Eagles at -3 and the Cowboys at -6.5 Why? The Man explains.

The Eagles signing of Dante Stallworth was huge. Look for McNabb to burn the G-Men's secondary deep with the combination of Stallworth and Westbrook - The Man like's that guy's chances in the flat against smaller DBs. Philly looks like a team that has it all together, however expect Eli to keep it close - until he throws a big turnover. Buy a point to bring it to Eagles -2.

Clinton Portis is out for the 'Skins. Parcells lost twice to Washington last year. Washington's Brunell looks like garbage. Sure, Drew Bledsoe did too, but at least he has a home game and Julius Jones powering the ball out of the backfield. Game over. Lay the 6.5 points, with all of the Skinds offensive woes and grinding Dallas O, the Skins defense will be on the field too long to keep it close. This could get ugly.

Tagged: NFL, gambling, football

The Man welcomes in College Football

The Man has been kicking it all Summer, waiting for the return of his favorite sport -- football (Sorry, NFL Europe, but that crap ain't cuttin' it with The Man). The Man has fallen off the wagon again but has gone 4-0 since the return of the season with several teasers and individual bets paying off (thanks, West Virginia, for the trouncing of Maryland last night!).

Here are The Man's picks for this weekend:

Boise State's quick work of Oregon State on the Smurf Turf last week shows that the departure of Dan Hawkins won't slow down this high powered offense. What's even more surprising is that they're doing it on the ground, outrushing their first 2 opponents by 165 and 244 yards respectively. So how will they fare at D-IA Wyoming? After beating up on Utah State and a one point loss at Virginia you might think the Cowboys are for real. The line has moved from Wyoming +8.5 down to +7. However, both of their games have come against barely competitive D-I schools -- and by competitive I mean against D-II schools. Give me the high flying Broncos (and a point) to get it down to BSU -6.

Michigan visit Notre Dame this week in what should be a great matchup. Georgia Tech took ND down to the wire in Week 1, which should've helped Lloyd Carr's new D coordinator Rod English come up with some pretty aggressive defense schemes. Look for a low scoring affair with Michigan's passing attack being the difference here. Remember, a strong arm and receiving corp trumps a bad ND secondary. The line opened at Michigan getting 7.5 and is down to +5.5. The Man's buying 2.5 points and taking Michigan +8.

The Temple Owls visit the Minnesota Golden Gophers in what will be a blow out. Temple was -296 in rushing yards against Louisville last week and was -145 through the air. The Gophers are coming off a big road loss to Cal, so look for a strong rebound game against a weak opponent. Minnesota (-41.5) will run past Temple, however The Man is buying 2 points to bring his magic number down to MINN -39.5.

Tagged: NCAA, football, gambling

New Man Law

The Man was at a barbeque the other day when it started to rain. The cooler holding all of the beer was out in the open, being rained on. Someone suggested "We should put the cooler in a wheelbarrel, that way it's easier to move it in case it rains". Sorry, The Man's not down with that. You have testosterone and a sack, pick up the god damn cooler and move it with your arms and legs. Wheelbarrels are for moving large objects like rocks, or loose stuff like dirt. Coolers? Aww, hell naw.

Man law.

Tagged: Man law

The Man's Man Laws

The Man has noticed a certain series of commercials where representatives from sports & entertainment are gathered around a square table discussing "Man Laws". While The Man does find them funny, there are a few they've yet to pass into law. Hence, here are a few of The Man's Man Laws:

1. A man can wear a sports team's jersey ONLY if it has his name or NO name on it. Cheering for another guy is for high school cheerleaders.

2. Men should not use Post-It notes, especially the neon-colored ones. You have two hands for a reason - one to write, the other to write on.

3. Men with MySpace accounts are not allowed to use BlinkYou comments.

4. Men can not use topless photos of themselves as a MySpace profile picture unless they're accompanied by topless women.

5. Men are not allowed to own cats.

More of The Man's Man Laws to come...

Tag: Man laws

A Night of Disappointment

After watching the Pistons shoot a pathetic 33% tonight (and not cover), I flipped over to NBC's Last Comic Standing and saw the selection process that was really disappointing, especially in Chicago. They had 3 "passes" to move onto the next round, and long time comic Larry Reeb didn't make the cut.

Larry is a funny guy. The Man remembers as The Kid catching Rodney Dangerfield's HBO specials that featured talents like Sam Kinison, Tim Allen and Roseanne Barr. One comic lost in that shuffle was Larry Reeb. His standup was hilarious, and it wasn't just the immature 13 year old in The Man thinking it.

The Man caught a re-run of the 1980's Rodney special on HBO and saw Larry's act again; it was hilarious. He used to end his jokes with his signature "Tip from your Uncle Lar". Here's a gem:

"My wife asked me to do the laundry. You guys ever hear of this? Me neither. So I took her favorite wool sweater, popped it in on 'hot'. By the time it came out it looked like a ski mask. But at least I don't have to do the laundry anymore. Tip from your Uncle Lar."

He had a great bit, and given that every other comic that was featured on Rodney's special was given a primetime show in the 90's I figured Larry was writing, producing, or something behind the scenes. Nope. Larry's still a struggling comic, trying to catch his big break.

Needless to say The Man was shocked when he saw he was a contestant on the Chicago portion of the show. Larry Reeb, whose last name is Beer backwards (genius), was dismissed after telling a great joke:

"You know alcohol is taxed heavily, and those tax dollars go to support schools. So don't look at it like you're an alcoholic... you're an education supporter!"

The crowd laughed. The Man laughed. And then the Chicago vote was in... Larry didn't make it. Instead, a moron with jokes about being stoned as a kindergartener having trouble getting his snowsuit off and requesting a nap and a snack made it to the next round. The guy wasn't funny... but again, The Man is biased because of the Reeb history. At any rate, The Man is very disappointed tonight -- neither Larry Reeb nor the Pistons advance.

Tagged with: Last Comic Standing, NBC, Larry Reeb

Eastern Confernece Finals - Game 5 pick

The Pistons and Heat go at it tonight in Miami with a trip to the Finals on the line for the home team, a return trip to the Motor City for game 7 if the 'Stones win.

Detroit showed a lot of heart and played with the tenacity they need to keep it close. Their shooting percentage for the series is 41%, which isn't horrid but when Miami is shooting 66% it's a problem. Slowing down Shaq and Wade at home is going to be another problem as well, and with Rasheed Wallace's bum ankle it's going to be hard to imagine the Pistons can beat the Heat at home without his outside shooting and inside shot blocking presence.

Miami is currently at a -4. If the Pistons have shown us anything, it's that they play well with their backs are up against the wall... But their inconsistent play doesn't bode well for them tonight. The Man is buying 3 points and taking the Pistons +7 - if the defending Eastern Conference champs go down, it's going to be last-second Wade heroics that do them in. Final score: Miami 91, Detroit 89.

Tagged: NBA, Miami Heat, Detroit Pistons, basketball, gambling

The Man's Guide to Coaching

The Man has been busy, even by his standards, coaching kids basketball and soccer leagues. I've learned several things over the course of the past few months and want to share that knowledge with you.

Rule #1: You can't smoke and coach at the same time.

No, The Man isn't talking about puffing a stoagie while instructing. I'm talking about having a half a pack the night before you have to run up and down the field yelling at the little squirts... although The Man did cough up a naked lady lighter he thought he'd lost.

Rule #2: Bring snacks.

The Man hasn't played organized kids sports in a long time, however when he did play we were lucky enough to get orange slices at halftime. That has evolved into water throughout the game and a designated "snack person" at each game. The Man has never heard of such a thing, and it goes a long way to explain why today's kids have a Buddha belly like The Man -- STOP EATING SUGAR RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE EXERCISED!

Rule #3: Ignore the parents.

Let's be honest. Most parents are pretty decent. It's the few assholes that ruin it for the rest of us. Your parents job is to cheer for you and that's it, not to scream at the officials or coach like an idiot every time something goes wrong for your little pumpkin. He's 14 in a rec league -- he'll get over that no-call shooting foul.

Rule #4: Be prepared to play secretary.

"Did Billy get the message that our practice was cancelled?"

"I'm calling again to make sure Johnny remembers his home jersey."

"GOD FORBID, PLEASE DO NOT FORGET THE GOD DAMN SNACKS."

The Man's advice is to bump up the minutes on your cell phone, 'cause you're gonna need 'em. Work? You can't work. Otherwise you won't be able to return a phone call from a parent at a moment's notice.

Rule #5: Try to have fun

At the end of the day, these kids want to play. 1st graders, 8th graders, it doesn't matter. Just show them the fundamentals, let them play and have fun. You'll have more fun too.

The Man's Lock of the Night

The Man is back (again) with his NBA lock of the night. The New York Knicks are a disgrace of a team that just picked up Steve Francis from the Magic. No one knows what Isaiah is thinking with Marbury and Francis in the backcourt, but look for the Knicks to change their name to the New York Most Selfish Roster of All Times.

New Jersey, on the other hand, is on a roll, winning their last 3 games. This game opened at NJ -4.5 and is already up to -5.5. The Man is buying 2.5 points to bring it down to NJ - 3. Look for Vincanity to reign in the Garden tonight!

Super Theft

The Super Bowl is supposed to be the 2 best teams in the league, 11 on 11, gutting it out for the [arguably] greatest trophy in all of sports. Unfortunately for the Seahawks, the game wasn't 11 on 11... in fact, it was more like 12 on 11. Or 13, or 14, how however many bad officiating calls were made (and endorsed via instant replay) throughout the game.

From the phantom holding call that took Seattle out of a 1st and goal, to the weak push-off interference call on D. Jack, to the foot kicking the pylon doesn't count TD, the Seahawks got jobbed.

So the Man went 0-2 on his Superbowl picks. The Man accepts this but under protest. Had the phantom push off, didn't kick the pylon TD and phantom holding calls not happened, Seattle would have had at LEAST 17 points, which would have put them in the lead at 27-21, thereby beating the over and covering the spread.

They say the best way to forget about pain is to keep on keepin' on. The Man will get over this with some NBA & NCAA picks this week, stay tuned.

The Man's Pick

Super Sunday, a day where all Men will stuff themselves with cheese puffs, drink until they puke, watch the year's best TV commercials, gamble amongst friends, and, oh yeah -- there's that game.

The Man is going to keep this short and sweet - Pittsburgh is giving 4 points to a Seattle team that can score and has been on an incredible run - 9 up and 1 down in their last 10. And if you've watched Pittsburgh, aka Blitzburgh, their only weakness is against the pass -- which Seattle can do. QB Matt Hasselbeck threw for over 3800 yards this year AND had the league's rushing leader in Shaun Alexander. So even if the score gets out of hand, Seattle has the offense to come back via their air attack.

Pittsburgh, on the other hand, has the advantage of this being as close to a home game as you can get. By the looks of it, the stands at Ford Field will be covered in black and yellow this week. Side note -- The Man doesn't get the "Terrible Towel". It's a towel, and unless it's been the back seat of your car for awhile or under the toilet, it's probably not all that terrible. But The Man digresses...

The Man likes Seattle to stay in this game, so he's buying 3 points to give them a full touchdown. The over for this game is at 47. Looking at the last few Superbowls, the over should be a lock. But because the Man doesn't like to go out into the snow without his hat on, he's buying a few points to bring it down to 44.

Let's recap - Seattle stays in the game with their offense (+7) and expect the game to be over 44 points.

The Man will be back with NCAA and NBA picks this week!

The Big Game pick by The Man

The Man's been teetering on .500 over the bowl season and wants to give you a gift in 2006 with his pick for tonight's National Championship game. But before giving you The Man's rock-solid, lock of the year pick, The Man wants to look at tonight's team mascots.

Southern Cal's mascot is the Trojan. Admittedly, when The Man was growing up, his parents went to California and the only thing he wanted was a Trojans sweatshirt. The Man's parents came back with a "USC" sweatshirt - not the same thing.

The Man also used to own a few Longhorns hats, having to explain to females the sexual connotation. The ultimate battle of the sexes matchup would be the Oregon State Beavers against the Longhorns, but The Man will have to settle for Trojans and Longhorns. Tonight's matchup literally will come down to whether or not the Trojans will be able to keep the wraps on the Longhorn star, Vince Young, and if the Longhorns will be able to penetrate into the backfield and take care of Bush.

OK, enough with the sex talk - here's the skinny: each team features a potent offense - Texas is 10-1 against the over this year, USC is 7-5. Look for each team to score tonight - a lot. The Man expects the final score to be in the range of 45-42, which means you should take the Longhorns getting 7.5 and the over. Because The Man likes to play it safe (no pun intended), he's buying points each way to bring the spread up to Texas +10 and the over down to 66. Lock of the year!

Happy New Year from The Man

Here are The Man's New Year's Day (late) picks:

Florida vs. Iowa
Not a lot stands out when The Man looks at the stats for these teams - on paper they're comparable. The Big Ten hasn't posted a bowl victory yet, and the SEC is a stronger conference overall... couple Urban Meyer's spread offense with Iowa wins against bad teams like Illinois, Northern Iowa, Indiana and Purdue, and a season finale loss to Iowa State means the Hawkeyes are goin' down. Take Florida getting a point.

Alabama vs. Texas Tech
Too much offense versus a horrid offense means Texas Tech should cover the 3 point spread. Take Tech -3.

Virginia Tech vs. Louisville
VA Tech was considered a national title contender at one time. And Louisville's without their starting QB Brohm. Look for Marcus Vick to have a big game running and passing. The man's buying 2.5 points to bring it down to VA Tech -7.

Wisconsin vs. Auburn
Auburn's running game is going to send Barry Alvarez out a loser. The Man read that the Badgers D is giving up over 400 yards a game, and the Auburn O line is monstrous. Buy a couple of points to bring it under 10, take Auburn -7.

Notre Dame vs. Ohio State
The Hawk and the impressive Buckeye defense will be the key to this game. I don't like giving ex-NFL coach Charlie Weiss 5 points, though -- this team almost beat USC. The Man is buying 2 and betting that ND will keep it within a TD.

Georgia vs. West Virginia
The beneficiaries of Hurricane Katrina, Georgia's playing what amounts to a home game at the Georgia Dome. Look for the Dawgs to cover the spread at -6.5.

The Man's picks for tonight

The Man has 2 strong picks for tonight's bowl games.

Michigan is giving 10 points to a Nebraska team whose wins came against teams with a combined 33-35 record (go ahead, look it up - The Man knows how to work the calculator!), and when Nebraska can't stop the run they lose. Look for the Michigan backfield to get a lot of carries and cover the spread. But just to be safe, The Man is buying 3 points to bring it down to Michigan -7.

And, in Dan Hawkins last game as the Boise State coach, his blue turfed Broncs are getting 3 points at home against the 16th ranked Boston College Eagles. A little about Coach Hawkins - he lost his first home game at Boise State in 2001 and hasn't lost one since. That's impressive. Boise was exposed earlier in the season by big offensive lines... in essence, they can't stop a team that has one -- and BC has the largest that Boise will face. Boise State's Jared Zabransky has been average (17 TDs, 14 INTs) this season, so home game or not expect BC to get a few picks. Look for the Boise home streak to end, especially since The Man is buying 2 points and taking BC -1.

The Man doesn't need to gloat

But what the hell. An impressive 4-1 week 1 of bowl games (that would have been 5-0 had Toledo not yanked their QB) gives The Man every right. That's right - just like Chad Johnson of the Cincinnati Bengals, The Man needs to do a dance. Not one of those unmanly Justin Timberlake or Usher dances, a man's dance.... like the Superbowl Shuffle.

If you missed The Man's stellar week of picks, stay tuned - there are more to come tomorrow!

Holiday Q&A with The Man

The Man has been getting a lot of questions recently from guys wanting to know more about The Man, proper holiday etiquette, rules for work parties and more. So here goes Round 1 of The Man's Mail bag.

Dear The Man,

My girlfriend has been hinting that she wants jewelry this Christmas, but I only make a meager salary and in order to buy the jewelery will have to stop buying beer for awhile. What would The Man do?"

Signed,
Beer or Boobs

Hey BoB,
The Man sympathizes with you. I mean, what's a Man gotta do to deserve a cold one from time to time? Here's the solution - you sound like a Man's man. My guess is that you have a lot of empties lying around the apartment -- so instead of crushing them on your forehead or building that holiday beer pyramid, try returning your cans & bottles. I'm sure there'll be enough dough left over to spring for that heart shaped pendant The Man's been seing on TV.

Hey Man,
My parents think I should dress up for our family holiday gathering, when all I want to wear is a pair of jeans and my Urlacher Chicago Bears jersey. Who's right?

Sincerely,
Chicago Joe

Hi Joe,
First off, show some resepct -- it's The Man! It's difficult to give solid answer on your question -- is the jersey the home blue, away white or orange third jersey? Either way, it's probably a good idea to not bite the hand that feeds you. How about this -- let's compromise and score some points in the process. You can wear the jeans as long as you wear that ugly sweater Mom gave you last year for Christmas. You know, the one with the tags still on it in the back of your closet. Just to show your pride, layer that sweater with a Bears t-shirt underneath.

Dear Man,
There's this hot co-worker of mine that I think, if given a few drinks, I could nail at the company Christmas party tonight. I've read a lot of articles about sleeping with co-workers, and most say it's a bad idea. But what does The Man think?

Horny in Houston

Hey Horny (The Man doubts that's your real name, by the way),
Don't sweat it -- there's no such thing as guilt-free office romance, so just have a few drinks and see what happens. If you're any kind of Man you'll get some from her or the girl in the cube next to you. Just don't get in her pants infront of the rest of the office -- that way it's your word against hers!

That's all for now, have a great Holiday!

Oh, and had Toledo not yanked their starting QB with 4 minutes to go he'd be 3-0 in his bowl predictions!

A Special Time of the Year for The Man

Every year millions of Americans celebrate a national past time that transcends generations, religions and race. What's that you say? Christmas? Hell no! The Man is talking about Bowl Season!

Sure, the Man gets bamboozled into buying gifts for the family. But The Man also knows he needs to satisfy his needs. During the holidays, don't forget to take a few minutes and ask the question -- what about me? What does the Man get for his hard work every year? Football for three weeks.

Last night's warm up game between Southern Miss and Arkansas State (they have a football team?) doesn't count. Well, it might count, but it's not in The Man's Bowl Pool. Here's the rundown of this weekend's upcoming bowl schedule (The Man's picks are bold. Enjoy!

December 21
UTEP vs. Toledo (-3)
The over/under for this game opened at 61 and is down to 60.5. Both offenses average over 438 yards per game, and their average combined points for and against are only around 56 points total; a few games against defensive oriented teams have brought those numbers down. Neither of these teams plays great defense, allowing well over 300 yards per game. Given the propensity to score and be scored on, The Man is taking the OVER.

December 22
BYU vs. Cal (-7.5)
Game has moved 1 full point from -6.5, apparently people like Cal's Pac 10 play versus the Mountain West BYU schedule. While BYU has blown out a few teams (and scored a ton of points), I don't think they have the athletes to hang with Cal, and their inability to stop the run puts them at a huge disadvantage. If they load up in the box, they could keep it close. The Man is buying 2.5 points and taking Cal at -5.

December 22
Navy vs. Colorado State (+3)
This is a no-brainer. Colorado state is barely above a .500 team. Navy runs the ball, Colorado State can't stop the run. Give the FG and take Navy.

December 23
Houston vs. Kansas (-3)
Houston's offense use to impress The Man. Then I checked their schedule. With wins against Rice and Sam Houston State and a loss against SMU, The Man can't side with Houston. And given that Kansas plays (and won against) better competition, I'm siding with the Jayhawks minus three.


December 26
Memphis vs. Akron (+5.5)
Akron surprised in the MAC championship game at Ford Field in Detroit not too long ago. But look for NFL-bound DeAngelo Williams to run wild on the Zips. The Man is buying 3 points to bring it down to under a field goal and taking Memphis -2.5.

More bowl game pics next week from The Man!

The Man Blogs For Charity

OK, normally The Man is self serving, drunk and/or hungover, and arrogant. But today's he writing for a different reason.

A fellow Man is asking for help for a good cause. Mr. Clean is giving a buck to the Hands On Network every time someone submits an idea about how they use Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The Hands On Networks is a growing charity that helps volunteers keep communities clean. You'd better believe they're gonna need a load of Magic Erasers to clean up New Orleans, so get over to their site and post your use right now:

http://www.homemadesimple.com/mrclean/eraser/index.shtml

The Man's Guide to Poker

Over the last few years, The Man has been watching one of his favorite games, poker, explode onto the national scene. For some reason, it's even being covered on ESPN as if it's a sport. Agree or disagree, The Man is offering his Guide to Poker:

1. The poker face

Three words: No big deal. Much like a porno, bad acting will giveaway your hand and everyone will know you're faking it. Think about other scenarios in life where you've had to act like it's "no big deal"... walking down the street with your Woman and trying to catch a peek at a nice rack heading your way... early morning work outings where you're hungover... late night partying and you're wasted... they all have one thing in common that give you away every time -- your eyes. The Man recommends wearing dark shades to conceal your eyes from become the size of frying pans when that lucky hand comes up.

2. Betting

The Man loves to risk it all and go all in, but even he knows that it's stupid when you have the wrong hand. The Man always reads the table to see how others play -- if no one's bluffing, then chances are they're afraid or just don't have the cards... which means it's up to The Man to take charge. You can command the table and putting others in their place by betting aggressive when you have a good hand... Notice The Man didn't say GREAT, because any sucker can recognize when another player has a great hand.

Also, don't give yourself away. Much like the cheetah, you have to lay low before you attack. Making a huge opening bet is a sure sign that you've got a great hand.

3. Attire

The Man usually doesn't change out of his mustard-stained wife beater and sweats too often, however when playing poker it's important to wear clothes that look like you mean business. First hint - no logos. Wearing a brand name that isn't a sponsor will give away that you care about brands, which is a sign of weakness. Second hint - choose the right color. The Man likes the all-black look - it's intimidating, plus it hides your beer gut awfully well. Third hint - make sure you're wearing comfortable clothes. It's hard to keep a straight face when you have to keep picking your undies out of your crack every 2 minutes.

4. Learn the damn game

The Man has seen it countless times: Guy watches World Series of Poker, goes to the local casino (shows how times have changed, they're as common as 7-Eleven), enters a poker tournament and gets cleaned out. Read a book and practice before you start pissing your money away. The Man likes to practice on unsuspecting neighbors, friends and family. Once you've taken all of their money, use it to enter the casino poker tournament -- that way if you lose it's not your money!

Tags: gambling, World Series of Poker, poker